Those of you who know me well will realise that I am quite a good natured fellow most of the time. Content to let life bob along happily while waving at passers by and admiring the view. I am not a chap that tends to get riled very easily but, this week, you find me a little miffed.
Not about anything of particular importance. I am not ranting, a la Colborn, at the various injustices of life. I am not about to launch into inflammatory political invective or voluble oratory in favour of anything much. I am just a little bit cross.
Why, you ask? (or would if you were polite folk – as I am sure you are – even if you were not even faintly interested). What has nettled you? Why are you irked,Jimbo? (i)
Well, seeing as you ask so nicely I will tell you: it is because of this.
Accuse me of having a ridiculously cavalier attitude to human life if you wish but I really cannot see why every electricity pole in the country has to have one of these. I drove down a lane in Leicestershire the other day and every single pole had a shiny sign, they stood out like livid pimples among the glories of the countryside. They are ugly and garish and I really do not fully understand what they are meant to achieve.
As far as I can work out, there are two reasons why anybody would want to climb a pole. Either to repair something or to nick something. If the former then one must assume that the technician involved is aware that he is mending electricity cables and therefore knows that they should be turned off before the pliers are wielded. If the latter then I think it very unlikely that the sign will dissuade anybody from their dastardly task. I doubt whether many people will climb one just to admire the view. Unfortunately a freak gust of wind removed the sign from the pole on my drive.
This is particularly galling as, while people are beetling around defacing the countryside with signs, I have just been refused retrospective planning permission for this. Which,I think, is a great deal prettier and less obtrusive.
There.
Enough Colborning. Let us instead talk a little about facial hair. Many of you will be already aware of this but bear with me…
I have had a notion which will almost certainly result in general ridicule and sniggering but may also mean that we will raise money to combat male undertrouser cancers (prostate and testicular if you want things spelled out). I, and I hope, many other Gardeners across the length and breadth of the realm will be growing a moustache during November. This is happening under the auspices of the Movember charity which was started a few years ago in Australia.
So. I would like to enlist your help. There are various ways in which you can rally to the cause.
Firstly by donating to the Team. In order to make things simple we would like as many people as possible to chip in a fiver which seems reasonable. Details are here.
Secondly by actually growing a moustache yourself-I realise that this excludes quite a large percentage of the population so have come up with a suggestion. Grow a cress moustache.Or grass, or alfalfa sprouts or anything else you can think of as an alternative.
Thirdly by sending in pictures of yourselves both pre and post moustache for us to post on Facebook (ii) and Flickr for the general entertainment of passers-by. Send offerings to tina@blackpitts.co.uk
Fourthly by spreading the word as widely as possible through your own address book, through Twitter, Facebook, leafletting the high street, flyposting, spamming, skywriting, tethered balloon or threats and cajoling. We are not very fussy. Just get the word out and the fivers flowing, please.
Fifthly by joining the team – this is open to all.
Does that sound jolly? I hope so. Currently I have moustaches promised by his vegetableness Mark Diacono, the noble Nigel Colborn, pruning impresario Richard Wanless, James Gladwin (who runs the Cottesbrooke Plantfinders Fair), photographer (and father of the Halibut) Jason Ingram and the most excellent journalist,dancer and Bon Viveur Stephen Lacey . All of whom who have properly declared themselves.
Also promised but currently too slothful to sign on the dotted is the steaming bowl of testosterone otherwise known as Matthew Wilson, Tom Hoblyn, Nick Coslett (of Palmstead Nurseries), Joe Swift, Andy Sturgeon, Phylip Statner and various others. I am hoping the list will continue to grow: probably more than our moustaches. We have also raised £75 without doing anything which is a good sign.
I have never even heard of Cleve West.
Also, I am lecturing at the Llanover Garden School: which those of you with even the most basic grasp of linguistics (or Llinguistics if you prefer) will have guessed was in Wales. It is on the 18th October and there are places available if you hurry. I am talking on the subject of Gardening Mistakes and Triumphs. You also get the eminent and entertaining Matt Biggs (he of Gardeners Question Time) who, just for a change, is not currently on a Caribbean cruise.
Final bit of news, I have started appearing on Gardenersclick where I am tarting around with a video camera talking about stuff. The films are mercifully very short and can be found here. The premise is that every so often I make a short film about something interesting around here. And then inflict it upon the public. I am enjoying myself.
The picture is of the Piccadilly Line steps at Kings Cross Underground station. I thought them rather musical.
I am listening to Goodbye Lucille by Prefab Sprout.
(i) Please bear in mind that while I will tolerate being called Jimbo, Jimmy or Jim-Bob in moderation I draw a line at being addressed as Raquel or Nobby.
(ii) I do not actually understand Facebook (although I have seen Social Network) but the page is there and is under the control of Mr Diacono. Complain to him.
Is it my imagination or is your beautiful but illegal, pleached avenue leading straight out to a motorway?
I agree with you about the yellow signs. I would have one on my front door to deter burglars however.
I am afraid that it is your imagination.
A very vivid imagination, at that as it actually a large field!
Jimbo?
Despite your protestations, this is one of the finest examples of Colborning I’ve ever read. It’s refined, filtered, purified Colborning and as such, cuts far deeper and more effectively into people’s consciousness than the raw railing of the originator. Not sure about your ‘à la Colborn’ – shouldn’t that be ‘au Colborn’ ? Particularly as the cress, prematurely sown on my upper lip, has begun to germinate but is coming out salt and pepper and therefore virtually impossible to see, so far. Thoughts of a Salvador Dali, by November, are having to be modified.
Nigel
I don’t think French is Jimbo’s strong point – there was a mistake in a french phrase he used in his last blog. I didn’t point it out at the time because I didn’t want to seem pedantic but Nobby’s blog has put me in a bad mood over the visual clutter of unnecessary signage. There is one of those moveable electronic signs by the side of the A23 heading towards Brighton. As there is clearly never anything of real interest to be said on it we are treated to spurious warnings of “Take care when towing” or “Don’t fall asleep at the wheel” (which might more effectively just say “Boo!”). I’m convinced a lot of money could be made out of this sign by people paying an hourly rate for messages to aim at the motorists. “Go away Brighton is full!” might be one or “The driver of Volvo reg XX0 5QR is a moron!” another or “Bedsock, cat’s eaten the sausages could you just pop in to Waitrose and pick up something for tea” would be much more useful.
Jimbo got a U in his French ‘O’ level although, in conversation, I can do a good “Bouf” including accompanying shrug.
Not so convincing that anybody will ever mistake me for a French person (thank goodness) but enough to make them credit me with a tiny smidgeon of respect.
He shrugs therefore he is not all bad, sale Anglais.
Who is the transport minister? I do not know his name or what he does. On the other hand, the whole world knows of Arabella Sock and her message is crisp, clear and (especially regarding the cat/sausage question) extremely sound. Vote Sock.
You’re not supposed to be growing face fungus until November! You are going to have a luxurious and noble covering. I am hoping that you will look like a lugubrious walrus.
Surely you can appeal? – it worked for Foxy Knoxy (although it may involve you appearing on Oprah Winfrey’s show and crying a lot).
And on another note, I vote for Arabella to be put in charge of motorway signage IMMEDIATELY.
I can do crying. No problem.
At a push I could probably do brawling with hillbillies as well.
But..
I will wait until they send round enforcers with chainsaws at which point I will concrete a naked Cleve west to a tree in protest.
Refused permission?! Why on earth?!
It is mostly about agricultural land vs gardens. Change of use etc.
Very tedious.
Seems clear to me that the piece of land in question is a meadow, surrounded by hedges and woodland. Don’t see what their problem is…..
What time of day did you take that photo at Kings Cross?
I drag myself up and trundle down them on a daily basis, and every time my path is blocked by someone using an inanimate object in an anti social manner, be it a trolley case imitating a Chieftan tank, or some buffoon deciding that reading a Kindle and walking unawares through a crowd. NOT what Iggy had in mind when he penned the line “Look at me I’m using technology”.
Oh another thing. If you have sway on such things, point out to whoever deals with show admin that the RHS Lawrence Hall doesn’t need to be heated to a temperature more appropriate for Kew’s filmy fern house on flower show day. Especially not at the prices they charge for tea.
Rant over.
On this occasion you were probably blocked by some idiot taking pictures of the steps.
As regards the Lawrence Hall a note to the shows department at Vincent Square would be the most useful recourse. Tell me if you get a response.
What really pees me off about those yellow signs is that the grammar is all wrong. It should surely read ‘Danger of Dying’. You don’t see signs on houses with dogs saying ‘Danger of Bite’, do you?
Tempted though I am with your moustache-growing entreaty, I regret I feel unable to participate. My weekly appointment with the tweezers and the bathroom mirror is all that stands between me and pitying glances from friends, among whom I already occupy the lowest rung in matters of personal grooming efforts.
The grammar, I promise you, is not as annoying as having somebody bash their way through six foot high nettles to nail one to a pole in the middle of the woods.
Or the man I saw yesterday mowing his lawn while wearing goggles, gauntlets and a hi-viz vest.
I could say more but I may start sounding like the Daily Mail so will be quiet.
Much is explained. I’ve seen remarks about moustaches around the place and have turned the other way, thinking nuts were aboard.
I’m trying to work out the scale of your permissionless avenue but when I clicked the picture to see if that is a bench at the end, it went smaller instead of bigger. What will happen to it?
I am hoping that everybody will go away and forget that it ever existed.
The moustaches will follow you around for a while: do not be afraid.
As an under-gardener of Phylip’s at Cottesbrooke, I will promote myself to Monitress of the Moustache during the month of November.
I think that frequent use of a spring tined rake will do wonders.
Yes indeedy, time for a tache I say. I imagine Matthew W could grow one in an afternoon. I challenge you, James, to grow any tache you can and NOT look like a rather poor WW2 pilot.
And by the way, it should be Cue Fanfare by Prefab Sprout…change it immediately.
and I challenge you to grow one that will not make you look like a Nordic fisherman sleeping in a ditch.
I am baffled more and more about what you have to get planning permission for these days. We are seeking planning permission at work to plant trees across an area which has been cleared by knocking down hideous 1960s nurses block.
I’ve been to Llanover Garden School, its fab. Have you met the owner, she is very elegant and charming, you will love her and the lunch was quite scrumptious too. I must go again as I havent been for a couple of years and they were doing some serious work on the garden when I was there. Have fun
Planners, grrrrrr. Please divert them to the electricity pole in my garden
I look forward with interest to the moustache scenario and am encouraging my family to participate – boys excepted
As about the first member of gardeners click, I am delighted to see you there. x
Not really for publication, but just to let you know I have shamelessly ripped off one of you images for my blogroll, and to give you a chance to object if you don’t want me to……
I also saw a motorway. Must be the mind’s eye. Hate those yellow signs so Health and Safety…and in the same vein the reporter in Tripoli this evening was got up like a horse trial eventer. Curiouser and curiouser.